Worried about the life you've lived? Don't worry, I'm with you. But now there's hope for even the worst of us sinners thanks to a company selling reserved spots in heaven. That's right for a paltry $12.79 you too can guarantee a pass to the cloudy oasis that is heaven. The package includes: (1) Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light; (2) A First class ticket to Heaven -- I mean, why walk those stairs when you can fly right? Imagine the Frequent Flier Miles you get; (3) The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled - No Fake IDs please; and of course, (4) Heaven 101 mini informational guide- hopefully there is a map too. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land. YES- 100% GUARANTEED. BUY STOCK IN THIS ONE GUYS.
What's next? If you're not satisfied with the "Essential Package" you can opt for the All Access Kit for $15.95 - BALLERS ONLY. In addition to all the basic crap it includes an "all access VIP pass." This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it." I do like milk and honey, so I may have to drop for the upgrade. Too bad I think this is all a sham. Yeah, it turns out the company also sells reserved spots in hell. That's what tipped me off. Because, let's face it, those spots come free and I've got a whole row reserved.
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